Oh Snap.

A Comparison Between Two Charts:

The chart above came courtesy Jezebel and Refinery29.

The chart below came from my own raging bile duct.

Good Grief

One of the monolouges that I have in my collection is from Bert V. Royal's Dog Sees God: Confessions of a Teenaged Blockhead. Dog Sees God... reimagines the Peanuts gang as a bunch of angsty, troubled teenagers, including a Lucy who set fire the Little Redheaded Girl's hair on fire.

(such a fun monolouge to perform).

Dog Sees God... was the first thing that came to mind when I saw this picture of Charlie Brown, reimagined by illustrator Tim O'Brien.

GOP Ideology and Tenets Explained

I have spent many, many, many years listening to self-proclaimed Republican politicians, pundits, commentators, and private citizens talk about their views. Below is a compilation of what the vast majority* of Republicans believe, that I came up with by observing what Republicans, say, do, and not say.

We believe in small government. Government should not interfere with citizen's private lives. However, we will continually work to pass legislation that negatively impacts the private lives of LGBTQ people/women seeking safe and affordable reproductive services.

We are pro-life. By that, we believe that abortion is a legalized form of murder. However, executions, government-backed coups, and military actions are not murder. Providing additional funding for programs that help parents feed/educate/provide medical services for children is unacceptable.

We invaded Iraq in order to bring democracy to the region. We have overthrown democratically elected leaders in Iran, Guatemala, the Congo, et al, and replaced them with dictatorships because these countries had a democracy that we wouldn't benefit from.

If a liberal justice makes a decision that reverses precedent/declares laws as unconstitutional, it is an example of judicial activism. If a conservative justice makes a decision that reverses precedent/declares laws as unconstitutional, they are a noble crusader upholding the Constitution.

We do not think that raising taxes is ever the solution. Protesting at "tea parties" held at public parks, state capitols, where the services of police/fire/EMTs are on hand is much better than changing the corporate tax structure to prohibit companies from running shop in the Caymans.

The GOP needs new people and fresh ideas. Lets get Newt Gingrich, Jeb Bush, and Dick Cheney together and advocate tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans.

RONALDREAGANRONALDREAGANRONALDREAGAN.

We will repeatedly state that the U.S. is a Christian nation, even after people point out that most of the Founding Fathers were deists that were highly opposed to religious institutions interfering with political life. Atheists and Muslims need not apply to political office.

If one of my colleagues is caught having an extramarital affair, they are a horrible person who should resign from public office immediately. If I am caught having an extramarital affair, I am not obligated to resign (even if I've paid off my lover and their family, and hired one of their children) because I am much better than everyone else.

I am not racist if I praise the KKK, call a white civil rights lawyer a "traitor to their race", or call a black lawyer "boy". A judge of Puerto Rican descent that has one line in a speech about the richness of Latinas' experiences is a racist, and I am obligated to call them as such.

Any sexual practice other than penile vaginal intercourse as performed by a married couple should be discouraged. Comprehensive sexual education programs should not be publicly funded, no matter how many children of GOP politicians have children out of wedlock. However, using sex to "sell" a candidate is perfectly acceptable, and highly encouraged.

There is a need to censor content of books, films, television, news articles, and plays because we need to protect our children from the absolute evils of nudity and swearing.

"I don't let my children watch Sesame Street, because there are too many black people on that show".

That last line was said by someone in my hometown, shortly after my family moved.

*There are definitely Republicans that do not follow these tenets, and frequently point out hypocrisy in politics performed by all parties. They are frequently called "RINOS". Classy.

Programming Notes

1. After a considerable amount of fiddling around, I've settled on a new blog layout/color scheme. Inevitably, as soon as I post this, I'll change things around again.

2. Next week, posts will be sparse, as I will be visiting with my relatives out east, and will not have access to a computer. However, I will be posting mobile updates to my Twitter, if you feel like viewing my short opinions on the Garbage, er--Garden State*

Stay Safe and Stay Warm.

*While a good portion of NJ is really fucking unpleasant, where my folks live is quite nice. Mostly because there are forever wild clauses that prevent even more developingness.

#becauseTwitterisfungoddammit

I have a Twitter. I love making up ridiculously long hashtags. I am a little bored, and feel like becoming a Twitter addiction enabler.

So...

Post a #creativelyfunnytwitterhashtag either in the comments section, or as a reply to my aforementioned Twitter page. After one week of Twitter-ness, I will determine the winner(s) and send AN AWESOME PRIZE!

So get tweeting already!

Baubles, Bangles, and Beads

I seem to be on a bit of a jewelry purchasing binge lately.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Because artsy types can never be placated for long, I'm changing around the blog layout.

Please pardon our progress.

Remember my awesome friend Jen?

You know, the one that I formerly shared a bathroom with, and who does amazingly badass crosstitch patterns?

Well, if you like her stuff, and want to stimulate the economy and do some purchasing, she's set up an Etsy account. (Although, if you're not a native of Columbia, MO you're out of luck) She will also be selling her wares at Kansas City's Crossroads Arts District Friday, August 7th, from 6-10 pm at the Honeytree Gallery.